canned_cabeza

Tue, 10 Oct 2006 14:21:51 GMT

can't sleep. still thinking about the other day. there's nothing quite like holding an animal in your hands as its life slowly fades away, knowing full well that there isn't a thing you can do to save it. especially when it's an endangered species.

a good friend of mine and i were on our way back from renting movies at insomniac when we stumbled upon a kangaroo rat. on the sidewalk. on broad st. sitting still not moving. we approached him carefully, thinking he might have rabies or something. no response. i nudged him with my foot and he hobbled to the edge of the bushes. something's definitely wrong. i found a discarded rag and a flower pot and carried him back to ronnie's house. he didn't appear injured on the outside. no wounds or broken bones. no bite marks. but he was coughing up blood. and having one hell of a time just trying to move about. he'd obviously been poisoned. probably by the people who run the restaurant next to the landscaping he lived in. i filled up a discarded tecate can with water and let him drink to help flush out his stomach. he seemed to like that.... but he had trouble even holding his head up. it took half an hour before i could admit to myself that he did't have a chance. i returned him to some leaves so he could die in peace, or at least next to something familiar. i said a prayer and went on my way. i didn't even watch the movie i had wanted to see.

maybe if anyone had known this species lived in SLO this could have been prevented. maybe if i had gotten to him sooner i could have taken him to a vet who could have stopped the internal bleeding. maybe if people lived in a world where human life was respected then people could learn to have some empathy for non-human life as well.

maybe.

Mon, 24 Apr 2006 01:18:41 GMT

have you guys ever heard the saying that 'talking about music is like dancing about architecture'? well, i was thinking that's not quite right. sometimes you HAVE to talk about music. for instance, being in a band with someone who doesn't talk about music would be a lot like dating a girl who doesn't talk about sex: i mean, if you two do it long enough you're bound to get something right eventually, but it would be much easier if you told the other person what you liked to begin with. i think that every relationship needs that kind of open communication to stay positive.

on the other hand, not everyone is into the same things. i mean, i don't see why anyone would prefer grindcore over real metal but that's just my own personal taste. for those of you who have never heard of grindcore, it's not some perverse sexual act--altho it might as well be. grindcore is like the anal sex of music genres: it doesn't sound very pleasing but a lot of people like it and a few swear it's the best thing in the whole world even if no one else can understand why. color me old-fashioned, but it just doesn't make sense to put anyone thru that kind of pain when there's something so much better right around the corner.

cheney takes aim at bird insurgents

Tue, 14 Feb 2006 21:21:34 GMT

Jon Stewart: "I'm joined now by our own vice-presidential firearms mishap analyst, Rob Corddry. Rob, obviously a very unfortunate situation. How is the vice president handling it?

Rob Corddry: "Jon, tonight the vice president is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Wittington. According to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush.

"And while the quail turned out to be a 78-year-old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face. He believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Mr. Whittington's face."

Jon Stewart: "But why, Rob? If he had known Mr. Whittington was not a bird, why would he still have shot him?"

Rob Corddry: "Jon, in a post-9-11 world, the American people expect their leaders to be decisive. To not have shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak."

Jon Stewart: "That's horrible."

Rob Corddry: "Look, the mere fact that we're even talking about how the vice president drives up with his rich friends in cars to shoot farm-raised wingless quail-tards is letting the quail know 'how' we're hunting them. I'm sure right now those birds are laughing at us in that little 'covey' of theirs.

Jon Stewart: "I'm not sure birds can laugh, Rob."

Rob Corddry: "Well, whatever it is they do … coo .. they're cooing at us right now, Jon, because here we are talking openly about our plans to hunt them. Jig is up. Quails one, America zero.

Jon Stewart: "Okay, well, on a purely human level, is the vice president at least sorry?"

Rob Corddry: "Jon, what difference does it make? The bullets are already in this man's face. Let's move forward across party lines as a people … to get him some sort of mask."

oh yeah, and also: http://www.addictinggames.com/cheneygame.html

the sky is a cocktease

Fri, 02 Dec 2005 23:33:19 GMT

it was supposed to rain today but it didn't. now, this wouldn't be such a big deal if those dark clouds hadn't got me all excited for nothing. someone said it rained yesterday but they were lying: it only sprinkled and sprinkling is not the same as raining. at least not in my book. i think it's like the difference between making out with someone and having sex: where there's one, you'll probly find the other, but they're still different things and not merely different degrees of the same thing. i mean, the sprinkling was nice, but it left me wanting more. now i've got rainstorm blueballs and after a whole day of foreplay this weather still won't get to the penetration. i think i'm gonna start seeing other planets.

Apparently, I'm slightly sluttier than your average joe:

Tue, 02 Aug 2005 21:12:51 GMT

http://www.okcupid.com/slut

the way light strikes you when you first open your eyes

Sun, 08 May 2005 02:37:30 GMT

so i woke up today and found that i was still alive, breathing, and feeling pretty damn good considering i spent almsot an entire year in an ice-cream-induced coma. those things should come with warning labels. oh well. even after what you did to me, chocolate-malted crunch, i still love you... but i think i'll look into getting an artificial blood-brain barrier installed in my jar before we continue our affair. right now i feel like a fish in a neglected aquarium.

seriously, my jar makes murray street look sanitary by comparison, and if you don't know what i mean, let me tell you that's very very bad, like more repugnant than genocide and wet socks put together, but let me just say that if you don't get the reference you probly don't wanna know, and i guess i'd better stop typing before this becomes a ridiculously long run-on sentence, you know the kind i'm talking about, the ones that are filled with tons of comma splices and never really complete a single train of thought, but rather, they just jump from one subject to another until you've read almost a whole paragraph without reaching a single period, and that's kind of annoying because you never get to rest--everyone deserves a good rest i think-- while you keep reading this hoping that someday it'll actually end and you can get on with the rest of your life but it doesn't, because instead it veers off into yet another tangent that makes you wonder what the author's mother was like, and you find yourself wondering wtf this is all about and what it has to do with the price of soybeans in india and why the meaning of life is 42 rather than 43 or maybe 17, and then jsut when you least expect this cancerous growth being passed off as a sentence to end, it finally does(but it stops in mid-stream, and not only doesn't finish the sentence but never actually expresses a complete).

things you regret immediately after doing

Sun, 20 Jun 2004 23:37:32 GMT

so last night i accidentally lost my virginity. i wish i could remember where i lost it, but i was more than a little inebriated at the time. all i remember is looking down and finding--much to my surprise-- that my dilsnick was stuck inside someone's chacha. feeling quite nonplussed by the situation(and more than a little frightened) i quickly apologized, put on my pants, and walked home alone. today i was trying to put this whole experience behind me when i made an unfortunate discovery: i'd contracted VD. that's right, she'd given me Ventriloquist's Disease. i can't move my lips when i speak anymore, and even when i'm talking to myself i still can't figure out where the voice is coming from. it's terrible. anyway, i hope the next time someone decides to fuck my brains out she doesn't have such a comprehensive vagina... hers was like 'encyclopedia britannica' comprehensive. i mean, geez. that's too much. don't you think?

bored?

Tue, 25 May 2004 10:24:51 GMT

so i've come to the conclusion that people on the internet have too much free time, and in the spirit of philanthrapy i've come up with a solution: everyone should put that time to good use by making or buying me presents(please, nothing that would "creep me out" or that's "from outer space"). whaddya say? it's either that, or we all strap cotton-candy to our heads 'cuz everyone knows that hair tastes terrible by itself and needs all the help it can get. come on, i won't take 'no' for an answer! think of how much trouble it will save you in the long run to just give me all your stuff. i mean, then you won't have to worry about it ever getting stolen or broken or having it get lost because you can't remember who you loaned your stuff out to--i hate it when that happens. this way, you'll always know where your things are whenever i need to use them, and that probably works out best for everyone imho. now look here folks, all i'm asking is for you to make the choice between eating babies and giving me a free gift. do you rilly have to think twice about this!? on the other hand, if you aren't busy giving me a bunch of cool stuff then you could be doing something else, like wandering into oncoming traffic, or collecting angry poisonous insects, or testing spark-plugs in the bathtub, or sharing needles... but you probably don't want to do any of those things. so, why not go down to the record store and buy me some CD's right now? don't be a clam-bake, be a pal. remember, nobody likes a race-horse with only 3 legs. i mean, could you tell me why they would?

i'm not so good at forming the word-sounds, but would you like to make the conversation-speak?

Sat, 24 Apr 2004 07:42:01 GMT

so i crawled out from under a bridge today and walked into an argument with an old man on the street. he was out walking his dog; i was surveying the mint plants and racist graffiti-tags by the creek. the dog was pretty small--but big enough to take a large bite out of my pre-frontal cortex if he hadn't been on a leash. it's times like these that make me wish i had a skull to protect me, or at least a bicycle helmet. he talked endlessly about politics, but more in a friendly way than in a confrontational manner. so we talked for a long time, and it seemed strange to me that he was a self-proclaimed 'moderate' when most of his views were definitely standing somewhere out in right field. por ejemplo, that it was the soviets who were responsible for the social movements of the 60's and all such 'anti-establishment' acitvism was intended to destabilize our country(not that it was just a bunch of people who were fed up with the system they had grown up in). and when he brought up the topic of islamic fundamentalism, i asked him what made islamic fundamentalism different than any other fundamentalism but i don't think he heard me. maybe next time i'll bring an interpreter instead of just flailing my tentacles madly in his direction. i guess he was more reasonable than most conservatives in that he actually supported unions, but a lot of his rambling waxed idealistic and i found it difficult to relate to him on a personal level. all in all, i definitely enjoyed talking to this stranger. of course, it's hard to span a generational gap within half an hour, especially when only one of you is doing all the talking.

survey says...

Wed, 07 Apr 2004 22:50:50 GMT

1: grab the book nearest to you. turn to page 18, find line 4. write down here what it says: "...keenly aware that there is much in life that no ordinary logic explains; as citizen Yeats wrote,'How do we not know but that our own unreason may be better than another's truth?'""
2: stretch your left arm out as far as you can. what do you touch first?: a dusty window-blind blocking out the sun.
3: what is the last thing you watched on TV?: TV, what's that!? oh, you mean that thing you play nintendo on. so um... the legend of zelda i guess. the first one
4: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is: 3
5: now look at the clock, what is the actual time?: 3:43
6: with the exception of the computer, what can you hear?: the ramones
7: when did you last step outside? what were you doing?: last night i went crawling around the sewer tunnels and then chalked a drawing in the park--er i mean, i was just walking around obeying the law, ocifer.
8: before you came to this website, what did you look at?: the corporate website for KFC
9: what are you wearing?: red sweatpants. blue sweatshirt. that's it.
10: did you dream last night? what about?: yep, but i'm not telling.
11: when did you last laugh? why?: about 10 minutes ago when i saw someone on IRC with the nickname Kitchen_Fresh_Christ
12: what is on the walls of the room you are in?: that's an awkwardly-phrased question, as if there is a single thing covering all the walls of my room... um, mostly it's just pictures that i've drawn.
13: seen anything weird lately?: my penis. some people say it looks weird.
14: what do you think of this quiz?: i dunno, we jsut met.
15: what is the last film you saw?: wet hot american summer
16: if you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?: a cookie factory
17: tell me something about you that most people don't know: irl i'm jsut a brain in a jar
18: if you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?: make everyone else disregard politics and guilt too.
19: do you like to dance? are you coming on to me? and yes.
20: George Bush: is almost as evil as bill gates.
21: imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?: um, i haven't thought that far ahead
22: imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?: rufus xavier sarsparilla

terrified of telephones and shopping malls and knives

Tue, 06 Apr 2004 23:54:58 GMT

woke up to the phone ringing the other day. it was some old lady from the NRA who kept calling me ma'am, and i wanted to be like 'yes sir, i'll take whatever guns you wanna give me!' but instead i just had one of those conversations that you have when you first wake up, you know, the kind that you forget before the phone even reaches the hook. well, at least i got to talk to an actual person instead of a machine, even if she does have trouble identifying my gender. i hate when i rush to answer the phone and i get a pre-recorded message telling me to please hold for the next available representative. how would they like to hold for the next available representative of my house? actually, that's not a bad idea. maybe i could even set up one of those automated answering systems like 'press 1 if you are a bill-collector, press 2 if you enjoy long walks on the beach, press 3 if you are my future/past self calling from another universe...' but i hate answering-machines so much... they frustrate me, cuz there's no response to anything you say and you never know when somebody will get your message. and did i mention that an answering-machine killed my parents when i was a kid? i don't see how anyone can actually like answering-machines, unless they also like talking to brick walls in which case they're probably part of the same forward-thinking bunch who believe New Mexico is a foreign country, Reagan knew what he was talking about, and Elvis is still alive...

well, the future looks good from here

Sat, 03 Apr 2004 03:32:33 GMT

Who will you be stuck with at end of time? by chi_a_baidh
Your name is
Your sex is
Your favorite color is
You are stuck there because	you were frozen in ice/a crystal
For _____ years	76
With
He/She will think you are	clever
You will	repopulate the earth

Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

i just hope jennifer aniston still looks hawt after 76 years in a crystal...

life is but a dream

Thu, 01 Apr 2004 05:52:01 GMT

i keep having this recurring nightmare where i'm helplessly trapped in a country run by criminals. murderers and thieves in black uniforms stalk the streets both day and night while brandishing their shiny guns and menacing clubs. outside, the water is full of poison and the land is smothered in concrete. inside, the conspirators conceal themselves behind closed doors and razor-wire while secretly synchronizing their schemes for global servitude. a moment never passes when the actors-turned-politicians aren't preparing for war against other men as they silently stockpile their machines of death. the vehicles of convenience rush by at a dizzying pace, destroying all in their path, as people walk nervously down the street afraid to look eachother in the eyes.

and then, at the end of it all, i find myself drawn to my bed where i close my eyes and fall asleep once again.

in the news today...

Fri, 19 Mar 2004 20:15:21 GMT

i thought maybe i'd look around and see what's new in this world of ours. here are the results, hot off the presses!

- asteroid nearly strikes earth
http://www.newscientist.com/news/news.jsp?id=ns99994793
boy, if some asteroid tried to hit me, i'd be like "get off my frosted flakes bitch!" although, technically speaking, it would be hard to be struck by an asteroid 'cuz it's only called that when it's in outer space--it's called a meteor when it enters the atmosphere, and a meteorite when it lands. but if you like taking long walks in space, then i'd watch yer back fella.

- US government reaffirms its commitment to terrorism
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/4561492/
Our Great Leader* urged 'bolder action' in Iraq today, but it's a little unclear what he means by this. i can't think of any 'bolder action' than declaring war and bombing the hell out of a country, but i guess that since they did that last year they have to come up with something new. i bet that shouldn't be too hard to manage since over half of our federal discretionary budget is devoted to military uses...
*Our Great Leader is copyrighted by and property of Haliburton, Inc.

- Rush Limbaugh just admitted to being 'less-than-informed' on the air only moments ago!
oh, and now he's complaining because democrats are trying to get his show classified as an advertisement for republicans, which would mean that it could be regulated under any new campaign finance reforms; cue the 'liberal media' tirade... now he's complaining that it would cost too much to implement COOL(Country Of Origin Labeling) for beef products. currently, the bush administration has refused to implement it on the grounds that they're suspicious of democrats who suggested it, and also because they want a few years to do an industry-impact study. funny, they weren't too keen on spending that much time on an ENVIRONMENTAL impact report when they implemented the internationally-despised practice of grazing cattle on what used to be rainforests. well, the beef industry apparently is opposed to it, and they must know what they're talking about. oh here we go, the problem according to rush, is that it adds costs to, get this, not only imported products from 'dirty' countries like brazil and mexico, but also OUR OWN beef products! the nerve of those 'liberals', eh? I'm listening on KPRL 1230AM if anyone else is into reactionary, masochistic talk-radio. incidentally, did you know that rush has been a cyborg since december of 2001? he's got a robot surgically attached to his nervous system, which all you Randroids can find more info about here:
http://www.bionicear.com/products/products.html

- Rumsfeld Hosts No-Holds-Barred Martial Arts Tournament At Remote Island Fortress
http://www.theonion.com/news/
speaking of republicrats and democans, here's a guy who knows how to have some fun!

- dracula park?
http://money.cnn.com/2004/03/18/news/funny/vampire_park.reut/
an amusement park in romania will apaprently be dedicated to vampires. i heard vlad's house was already converted into a restaurant. is nothing sacred anymore!?! actually, i'm not sure that there was any real connection between vlad tepes and vampirism except in the imagination of bram stoker and the like. can anyone clear that up for me??? why aren't other draculas busy making their own theme parks? and where are all the frankenstein's creations and wolfmans and loch ness monsters at? so many questions, so few monsters around to answer them...

brains: it's what's for dinner

Tue, 16 Mar 2004 18:43:10 GMT

oh man, i think i woke up on the wrong side of the jar this morning. my stomach hurts--oh wait, that's odd since i don't have one. must be one of those 'phantom pains' people get when they lose an arm or something and it'll feel like it's still there even though it's gone. boy do i miss my stomach. i need some new organs if anyone is in the market. i just got an electronic organ, but that's the kind for playing up the music, and sadly it won't help me digest cookies at all. this one time i woke up and went to the pantry to get a midnight snack, and i saw a package of peanut-butter cookies that i'd never seen before. so of course i tried to eat one. only then did i quickly discover that they were 'dog-biscuit' cookies and tasted much more like vomit than cookies. true story.

so i found a dime on the street the other day and at first i was excited, but as i examined it closely i realized that nowhere on the dime did it say how much it was worth. all it said was 'one dime'. do they think i'm stoopid!? i can tell there's only one of them; i'm not going to mistake the single coin for two or three coins. what nonsense. i mean, a nickel is clearly marked '5 cents'; a penny is clearly marked '1 cent'; and a quarter lets you know that it's precisely one quarter 'of a dollar'. so why the ambiguity when it comes to dimes? i mean, WTF? when we can't even mint consistent coinage, it's no wonder that this american empire is so ramshackle. come on uncle sam, when are you gonna stop talking in circles and start making some sense?

in other news, there was a police-dog at my house a couple days ago. he wandered over from some drug bust across the street. you see, i have a neighbor--who doesn't?--and i figure he must be high on something because the last time my step-dad went across the street to check the mailbox everyone at the house was sitting outside on the porch quacking madly like ducks.

my butler has the day off today so i have to make myself breakfast. or should i say 'make breakfast myself'??? 'cuz the former sounds like i'm going to eat myself rather than breakfast, which is rilly not a good idea at all. why would i want to eat brains? unless i'm secretly a zombie or a prion or a cannibal or jonathan swift. did you know that you can get mad diseases by eating the brains or other odd parts of animals? like mad cow disease or mad scientist disease or Creutzfeldt-Jacob disease. yeah, it happens all the time. don't think that it doesn't; this is no humor-joke folks. they've been spread around american farms for at least 3 decades i'm sure. at any rate, the pathological proteins don't dissolve until you reach something on the order of a thousand degrees which, i assure you, is well above anything but the inside of a raging furnace. so if i were you, i'd watch out the next time you eat meat. unless, of course, your next hamburger was prepared on the surface of the sun, underneath an active volcano, or inside some sort of metal forge in which case you're probly all right... i think i'm gonna go find something tasty to eat that won't try and eat me back.

if the ocean were whiskey and i were a duck, i'd dive to the bottom and ne'er come up

Thu, 26 Feb 2004 09:56:07 GMT

i sent away for a mail-order body, and today it finally arrived! but it turns out that what i thought was going to be the latest mesh of man and machine was naught but a shoddy gorilla suit. so i gave it to my butler and decided to go to the costume party as a 'brain in a jar'.
again--just like last year.
it didn't go over so well. someone confused me with a leftover casserole dish and threw me out with the kitchen garbage and sink. i swear sometimes people can be so cruel. on the way home i stopped by this rilly fun restaurant, the one with that irish mascot--ronald mc what's-his-name. anyhow, in hindsight i'm not entirely sure that what i ate was in fact food. i wasn't even sure that anyone could sustain life by eating that kind of thing until i heard about this new documentary where a guy ate nothing but fast food from there for a whole month. he actually did survive but with his kidneys barely intact. so if you were thinking about maybe burgling his organs by slipping this guy a rufie-coloda and leaving him bleeding in a motel bathtub full of ice, well, i'd think again. his organs wouldn't be worth a dimebag on the street after this little excursion. you can read more about it here:
http://www.supersizeme.com/

so i was reading a biography of Isaac Newton today and it said that his college closed because of the plague, and that sounded like a rilly lame cop-out to me. i mean, i just don't think Cambridge was RILLY giving it the ol' college try if they would let a little something like that stop 'em from spreading their divine knowledge to the masses. and besides, the plague likes to spread too, so maybe they could have worked something out after all. the plague and Cambridge do have a lot in common: they were both big in england, right? and they both kept people locked away from loved ones and behind closed doors for extended periods. in my opinion, both colleges and the plague have a lot to learn from eachother. anyway, i got bored and stopped reading his bio halfway through. i don't care if he is supposed to be a pivotal figure in classical physics; no one who dies a virgin deserves to be that well respected.

now, if you'll excuse me, i'm gonna go drown my disappointment in self-loathing and ethanol.

my dreams are shattered

Fri, 13 Feb 2004 16:09:40 GMT

damnit!!! i just found out that i'm NOT going to Purgatory when i die, and now i'll never get to meet Goldilocks(Heaven is too goody-goody, Hell is too bad, but Purgatory is 'just right'). oh well. things could be worse. i'm sure that in heaven there would be some sort of responsibility required from me, like picking up after all the deities. and that wouldn't be any fun at all. unless maybe you had to clean up after Jesus 'cuz everyone knows that he's so perfect that he shits out golden faberge eggs full of mona lisas and blessings--that's how cool Jesus is.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Fifth Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Low
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

my body lies over the ocean, my body lies over the sea...

Sun, 08 Feb 2004 05:16:54 GMT

so i haven't been in the best of moods lately, and i thought that taking a trip might help cheer me up. well, let me start by saying that i was neither cheered 'up' nor cheered in any other direction. i made all my reservations over the internet 'cuz waltzing into a travel agency without wearing a body is just a bad idea, let me tell you. no, wait. don't let me tell you--at least not until the statute of limitations is up. let's just say that the last time i tried that is definitely going to remain the LAST time i ever try that. honestly though, i don't see what the big deal is. i mean, spiders are allowed to wear their skeletons on the outside of their bodies in public so why do people throw a fit when they see a little bit of grey matter!? why are exoskeletons okay but exobrains not? i don't get it. it's those kind of double-standards that make this world a frustrating place to live in.

okay, fast-forward a bit and i'm waiting to board my plane. i'm surrounded by 300 pound jocks holding assault rifles, and thinking to myself that these ersatz 'security measures' in american airports aren't making me or anyone else feel safer. and then, without warning, i'm asked to step out of line and taken to a private room where they proceed to give me a full brain-cavity search. and i'm like 'no i'm not trying to hide anything, my pre-frontal lobe always bulges like that' but do they believe me? no, of course not. and meanwhile this other guy's hands are wandering a little too close to my hypothalamus. so, rather than getting a lobotomy in the name of Homeland SecurityTM, i just run out of the building as fast as i can and not only miss my plane but cancel the trip altogether. to make matters worse i didn't have a ride from the airport so i had to hitch-hike the 15 miles home which took 11 days(you know how suspicious people are of hitch-hikers: they assume that if you don't own one of those new-fangled horseless carriages or if you don't sleep in a 400,000 dollar box every night that you must be krayfzee). i guess the moral of this story is that if you're going to feed a gorilla fruit, you should remember that they don't like rotten bananas.

well, another day in the jar...

Mon, 26 Jan 2004 10:19:03 GMT

i'm waiting for the water to be changed. the ph balance is off. too much alkalinity makes me depressed. i want to stab myself in a supermarket and bleed all over the poultry isle, chasing little girls, and screaming profanities while begging to use the nearest man's cell-phone in order to call my dad and tell him that this is all his fault. alas, i am but a lowly brain in a jar and such fantasies will remain just that, a fiction that could never become reality. at least i can live vicariously through my internet connection. i suppose you're thinking that there's no way a brain can type at a keyboard and look at a monitor without a body. well, this is my proof that it can, and i assure you that the details wouldn't interest you unless you're a professor of neurobiology--which you're not, cuz if you were then maybe you could figure out a way to re-attach me to my body instead of sending me sarcastic messages of disbelief. don't patronize me; i'm not a restaurant.

so i was thinking today--as if i could do anything else--and i couldn't figure out why some folks think that referring to tuna as 'tuna fish' is socially acceptable behavior. i already know it's a fish! and i'd like to think that YOU already figured out that tuna is a type of fish before you shoved it into your gaping mouth, so why not just call it 'tuna' and leave it at that? it's not like you're making my life any more zen by tacking on taxonomic classifications to your food. but if you're going to devour some animal flesh then would you like some 'beef mammal' or 'chicken bird' with that tuna fish? i mean, geez cowboy. rilly. you should know better. i hope you get bit by an alligator reptile or poisoned by a frog amphibian.

in other news, have you seen my picture? is it hawt in here, or is it just me? tell me for serious. come on. do it.